The Good, the Bad and the Uncertain

I am now almost three weeks from my last dose of Folforinox. This is the longest break from chemo I have had since early July when I began treatment. It is hard to believe I have finally completed my first course and come out the other side. I am finally enjoying life nausea free and it is so liberating. I learned that nausea comes in many and various forms, one of the worst of which is anticipatory nausea. I began feeling ferociously nauseous on arrival at hospital for chemo. Certain smells and even talking or thinking about chemo would bring on sudden, powerful nausea. Someone asked what chemotherapy was like and before I could answer I became awash with nausea. Enough about the bad, though. 

I had another CT scan - my third to date - and the results were resoundingly positive. On my initial scan at the end of June my primary tumour was 18mm in diameter. In September, it had shrunk to 16mm. On my third scan from early November it was no longer detectable. It is not known whether it has disappeared entirely as this is highly unlikely, though the scan was inconclusive in that if it was being used to diagnose cancer there would be insufficient evidence for diagnosis. This is surprisingly positive news. Oddly, having become accustomed to my "new normal" and the knowledge of impending death, this news has made me uneasy. There was a surety about my demise into whose works a spaniel has been thrown by this most recent scan. Now there are many questions without answers. Does this mean there is a higher chance I will survive longer? Is this a sign that I could be cured? Am I potentially one of the 4% who may survive this cancer? Does this change anything? I have to temper all additional hope with caution. It may mean nothing. No one knows how fast my cancer will spread once away from treatment. If treatment is working so well why stop? Well, I know the answer to this: my body cannot take it. Treatment has had a huge effect on my bone marrow. It has depleted it greatly. My body could take no more at present. 

The best news is that I no longer require treatment at present and heck, I definitely desire a break from it and its myriad unpleasant effects. I still have no discernible direct effects from the disease beyond the requirement for enzyme supplements to control eating related flatulence. I feel and look great. I have sustained my new weight at around 85-87kg rather than 110-115kg. I have kept my hair, though it and my beard have thinned and changed texture. Looking well when I look in the mirror helps me feel well also. 

I have been given the all clear to take a long holiday, which I begin Monday. I do not even have another appointment scheduled until February. 

In planning my trip and connecting and reconnecting with relatives close and distant I have come into contact with another cousin who is also suffering from the same disease and has a young family. Thankfully, he appears to be responding well to the same treatment as myself. It is both encouraging and sad for me that someone is suffering the same symptoms and doubts as me. Though I now have someone else with whom I can talk who understands exactly what I am going through (not that I don't have other close friends who have had cancer). Also, for the first time I have made contact with someone with the same disease for whom there is a present. Everyone else whose story I have come directly in contact with who had the same diagnosis had already passed away. This also brings me immense hope. 

The future is bright and for me as unknown as it is for us all. I take comfort in this.